Bittersweet

A couple days ago I had one of those 'grieving' experiences that come to parents of kids with special needs from time to time. I guess many of you can relate to what I'm saying: when you first receive a child's diagnosis--like when I found out our oldest son is on the autistic spectrum--there is a very definite grieving time (sadness, anger, denial, etc) and then life just kind of evens out and you go along fairly reasonably for awhile and then something comes up and it's just like another kick in the gut. Anyone else experience this?

Well, this time had to do with Caleb who of course has Down syndrome. I have been sooooo tickled with his progress (AND really wanting to brag about it, too) He's enjoyed playing with scissors for quite awhile--just most snipping along the edges of pages--but I was impressed when several weeks ago in Sunday School he actually cut the 4 figures (Jesus, Lazarus, Mary, Martha, I think it was) into 4 separate pieces. No he did not cut straight on the line but he did cut the paper from end to end and he didn't cut anyone in half. With jumping he's gone from bouncing on the trampoline to being able to jump repeatedly on a level surface to even trying to jump off a small incline (he fell on his bum the first time so he's been scared to try it again without holding someone's hand) With praying before meals he can do the whole thing himself: "Thank you . . . Jesus . . . food . . . amen." And his speech and language have just been blossoming--he's putting the ending consonant on several words (like "I did it!"), he's stringing words together, he's labeling things spontaneously rather than just copying. He can trot (he doesn't really run yet) the length of the gym without tripping. I am just so proud of him.

Then Thursday I took him to his first T-ball practice and was hit in the face by another side of reality. Though I often feel like Caleb operates at about a 2 year old level I had forgotten how much more advanced 'typical' 4 and 5 year-olds are. Part of me thinks 'surely there is some mistake-- these kids must be 1st graders'--they're so tall, coordinated, can run and throw, know where the bases are . . . they seem way more advanced than when my other kids played T-ball. Caleb really enjoyed batting the ball but was pretty disgusted at the idea of having to run to 1st base and totally uninterested in running any further, though he did with the coach holding his hand. When practicing outfield, he'd stand in his place awhile and then just walk toward me. I know much of this will improve since he has basically NO baseball experience at all--barely even watching any games, let alone participating. I know he will gain from being around typical kids.

But part of me just wants to grab him and take him home where he is safe and protected and celebrated--rather than so obviously different.

Just being honest.